Covert emotional abuse encompasses a range of manipulative and harmful tactics aimed at isolating, dominating, and controlling victims without overt aggression. One of the most insidious aspects of covert emotional abuse is known as the monopolization of perception, a psychological tactic so powerful that it can impact victims long after the relationship ends. Ruth Darlene of WomenSV is speaking out to raise awareness on this alarmingly common occurrence.
Ruth Darlene is the Founder and Executive Director of Los Altos-based nonprofit WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), an organization dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and the community with education about covert abuse and coercive control. Having worked directly with over 1400 survivors, she has witnessed the devastating impacts that monopolization of perception can have even after an abusive relationship ends.
The monopolization of perception explained
Monopolization of perception is a covert abuse tactic that manipulates the target's focus onto the abuser in order to isolate and dominate. The monopolization of perception is a psychological prison created by the abuser, where the victim's reality is so dominated by the abuser's narrative that the victim loses touch with their own perceptions and beliefs.
Ruth Darlene describes how abusers craft a world where their needs, perceptions, and version of reality become the victim's sole focus. In a video posted on the organization's website, Ruth explains the phenomenon as an attempt to "try to take over your world and have your horizon shrink, so that all you are doing is paying attention to what they are telling you, what they want you to know and hear and think and experience."
Psychology Today likens it to gaslighting: "the abuser dominates by distorting reality to serve their own needs."
"They can often try to control where you're going, who you're seeing, what you're doing with any time that's not spent with them. The end result of that can make you feel like there's no way out - even if you get out," says Ruth Darlene.
Understanding covert emotional abuse
Covert abuse is a subtle form of emotional manipulation and harm that operates under the radar, characterized by indirect and non-physical tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological control, often leaving no visible scars on its victims.
Emotional abuse, a critical component of covert abuse, involves a pattern of behavior by one person in a relationship to control, demean, or diminish the emotional wellbeing of another, through tactics like constant criticism, threats, rejection, and isolation.
Covert emotional abuse is about power and control, exerted through psychological means. It includes the silent treatment, the manipulative comments disguised as jokes, and the isolation from loved ones.
Both covert and emotional abuse fall under the broader umbrella of coercive control, a strategy used to dominate and restrict a person's freedom and sense of autonomy through a combination of tactics that may include emotional manipulation, psychological abuse, and control over personal and financial aspects of the victim's life. This pattern of behavior treats the victim as a possession, an object to be controlled, rather than an independent and respected partner, reflecting a profound violation of trust and human rights.
"With a covert abuser who is into coercive control, this pattern of threatening, isolating, controlling behavior, they treat their intimate partner like a possession," says Ruth.
Covert emotional abuse can occur in any relationship, transcending age, gender, and socioeconomic status, and its effects can be as damaging as physical abuse. While it is most commonly recognized in romantic relationships, it can also occur in friendships, families, or in the workplace - anywhere that holds the potential for an imbalance of power.
Biderman's Chart of Coercion
Monopolization of perception is one of eight tactics of psychological torment included in Biderman’s Chart of Coercion. Biderman’s Chart of Coercion was originally created to describe the coercive methods of torture used on prisoners of war. It has also been referenced in reports on human trafficking.
Biderman's Chart of Coercion includes the following eight methods:
1. Isolation
2. Monopolization of perception
3. Induced debilitation and exhaustion
4. Threats
5. Occasional indulgences
6. Demonstrating “omnipotence” and “omniscience”
7. Degradation
8. Enforcing trivial demands
Source: WomenSV
Covert abuse is often described as psychological torture, and for good reason. "There's a lot of crossover between what happens to a political prisoner and what happens to a survivor when they get trapped in a relationship with a covert abuser," Ruth explains during a video detailing Biderman's Chart of Coercion.
Highlighting the monopolization of perception's effects, Ruth describes the result of these tactics as making a survivor feel as if "life has been constricted to this small, small world that [the abuser] rules."
Similarly, researcher Evan Stark refers to coercive control as a liberty crime because it deprives victims of the basic human right to live in peace.
How monopolization of perception impacts survivors
The consequences of living under the shadow of an abuser's constructed reality can be profound and long-lasting. Victims often struggle with self-doubt, anxiety, and depression long after the relationship has ended.
Ruth Darlene emphasizes the importance of recognizing these aftereffects as part of the abuser's lasting grip on the victim's psyche, acknowledging that the danger does not end with the relationship. She warns, "You've gotten out, but it doesn't mean the fight has been won!"
A covert abuser might continue to reach out even after their victim has made an effort to sever the relationship and go no-contact. Alternatively, they might make sneaky, indirect attempts to communicate by recruiting "flying monkeys" to perpetuate the abuse. The term "flying monkey" is used to describe someone who enables the abuser by harassing the victim on their behalf.
Coercive control is a lethality risk - even more so after the relationship ends, which is when 70% of domestic violence fatalities occur. This highlights the importance of safety planning for survivors - before and after ending the relationship. WomenSV maintains a selection of safety planning guides on its website designed specifically for survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. "Safety planning never stops," says Ruth.
Unfortunately, relationships involving covert abuse rarely give a satisfying sense of closure, leaving it up to survivors to piece their lives back together over time.
"Spend time to grieve the loss of that relationship," Ruth adds, "but also be thinking in terms of defense and strategy."
How to take your life back
Healing from covert emotional abuse is challenging, but not impossible. WomenSV highlights success stories on its website as a beacon of hope for survivors. "I was trapped for 20 years, thinking there was no way I could ever get out," one survivor wrote. "WomenSV was the catalyst I needed."
Ruth Darlene and WomenSV advocate for a multifaceted approach to healing, incorporating emotional, physical, and spiritual recovery strategies. Central to this process is the development of a supportive community and resources tailored to the unique needs of covert abuse survivors. DV support groups and trauma-informed therapy can assist covert abuse survivors as they navigate the healing process. Survivors can begin reconnecting with their sense of self by engaging in self-care and pursuing favorite activities, hobbies and interests.
Covert emotional abuse, and particularly the monopolization of perception, is a complex and damaging form of control that can leave deep psychological scars. Organizations like WomenSV and advocates like Ruth Darlene are working to fight back against these hidden, subtle forms of abuse. By increasing awareness, providing education, and offering support, we can help survivors reclaim their lives and their autonomy.